


The Apocryphal Epilogue

by ThousandFreckles



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Almost fix-it, Crack, Gen, Humor, fic tag, spoilers for 14x08 - Byzantium
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-25
Updated: 2018-12-25
Packaged: 2019-09-27 03:02:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 802
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17154062
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThousandFreckles/pseuds/ThousandFreckles
Summary: Twelve Days of Fictmas: Day ThirteenIt's Christmas Eve and Castiel is finally, truly happy again...which means it's time for you-know-who to pop in. Fortunately, one recently-resurrected archangel is having none of that nonsense.Sheer, utter nonsense for the sake of sheer, utter nonsense.Definitely spoils Season 14, episode 8 - Byzantium, so be warned.





	The Apocryphal Epilogue

**Author's Note:**

> Just a bit of nonsense for Christmas Day. It won't make much sense if you haven't read The Twelve Days of Fictmas (2018), or at least the last chapter of that, but it's probably entertaining on its own.
> 
> (I wouldn't know for sure, I'm a bit biased)
> 
> Merry Christmas!

Dean laughed and wrapped one arm around Cas's shoulders. “Where did you go, man?”

Castiel smiled up at him, brighter and happier than he'd been in years. “Everywhere.”

“And that's my cue!”

Sam, Dean, Jack, and Cas whirled around to see a stocky man with a taxi driver's ID clipped to his jacket practically skipping up the hill. “Did you miss me, Castiel?”

“Cas?” Dean shoved Cas behind him while also trying to give him a questioning stare without turning his back on the newcomer. This was a very complicated movement. Laws of physics were bent.

Jack gasped in horror and clapped both hands over his mouth. “It's you!”

“Jack?” Dean turned to glare at Jack. Unfortunately, he was still trying to shield Cas with his body, which meant he also turned Cas so they were both standing sideways in front of the stranger.

“I meant to break my promise right after Christmas,” Jack wrapped his arms around his chest and worried his lip with his teeth. “Cas made a deal with the Empty to save me.”

Because of course he did. Dean didn't even waste time being angry anymore and just pushed Cas at Jack. “Get the kid out of here while I deal with Scrooge McDick,” he snarled.

“Hey, he's mine!” the Empty protested. “He made a deal with me! You can't break it!”

“What was your deal?” Sam asked. Dean started...he'd been so focused on Cas and the current problems he'd forgotten his gigantor brother was even there—which was hard to do, consider Sam took up approximately one square acre between the height and the hair.

“Just that I would claim him when he allowed himself to be happy again,” the Empty sniggered. “Guess what? He's happy!”

“I'm sorry,” Cas lowered his head, arms loose at his sides. “I didn't think I'd ever be happy again, what with all the guilt I was carrying from my many crimes.”

“Oh, you'll like the Empty again,” the entity cackled. It took several steps forward, the taxi driver's face stretching into a rictus of a grin. “You'll go to sleep and never wake up, and I'll even make sure you have nightmares to keep you occupied this time.”

“Hey, dickhead. Haven't seen you in a while.”

Suddenly—because everything in this story seems to happen suddenly—Gabriel was standing behind the Envoy of the Empty.

“Gabe?” Dean took another step to stand in front of Cas—like his frail, human meat could physically deflect the ethereal power of the cosmic entity that ruled the final dimension.

“I just came back to wink at Sammy a few times and make the fangirls crazy,” Gabriel explained, “when lo and behold, my old favorite all-powerful beacon of grump shows up claiming it's nap time for Little Cassie.”

“He and I had a deal!” the Entity shrieked—and, really, inside voice? Yes, they were outside...but did it have to yell so much?

“Oh yeah?” Gabriel grabbed the Entity by the back of the collar and dragged it backward. The taxi driver collapsed to the ground, unconscious, and Gabriel was left holding a wiggling black thing that was all tentacles and eyes and mouths.

“I think we can make a new deal,” the archangel continued.

“I am all-powerful!” the Entity squeaked—in its ethereal state in this world it kinda sounded like it had inhaled helium. “I rule the dead! You cannot deal with me!”

“Yeahhhh,” Gabriel drawled, shaking the little creature back and forth. “Thing is, you only rule the dead because Dad let you, and he's left me in charge so you've kinda...got no choice.”

“Noooo!” the Entity wriggled in the archangel's grasp, flailing tentacles making grabbing motions toward Castiel. “I want what's mine! I want to sleep!”

“I can put you back to sleep,” Gabriel said. “We make a new deal. I put you back to sleep and you forget about this deal with Cas.”

“You can't break our deal!”

“Oh yeah? Break the deal or I follow you home and blow my horn and wake every one of those sons of bitches up. Sleep through that.”

The Entity froze, a ripple going through its entire body. “You can make me sleep again?”

“Like a baby on Ativan.”

“Wellllll...” the Entity drew the word out, as though it had actually been given a choice. “I suppose I could let it slide.”

“Good,” Gabriel gave one last shake for good measure. “Let's go. By the way, there are a few angels I'll be taking back with me, if you don't mind.”

The two of them vanished with a small pop.

The remaining four conscious figures (the taxi driver was completely out), just stared at each other for almost a full minute.

Dean finally broke the silence. “What the hell just happened?”

**Author's Note:**

> And Gabriel rescued all the non-dick angels (and Crowley) and heaven was stable again and he sent Naomi to every concert venue on earth with a toothbrush to scrub the public toilets. The End.


End file.
